….but joy wins out in the end!
The day after my last post, I basically went into hiding. I was in so much pain, emotionally, that I couldn’t find the energy to post here, or even much on Facebook. Interacting with anyone beyond my immediate circle of trust was just too much of a struggle. I concentrated on my school work and just surviving each day. Seeing a therapist helped, but only in that she helped me to become less overwhelmed and more organized with my thoughts.
The pain came from several directions at once, almost crushing me in their grip, so much so that it was impossible to decide where one ended and one began or if one was causing another. I wasn’t sleeping much, and was constantly getting sick. I had just finished what was probably the most stressful semester of my life, including my senior capstone project and a bunch of new costumes for Nutcracker. I figured it was just adrenal fatigue kicking in, but nothing I was doing was helping the way it used to. Ultimately, my grades began to slip, which was what made me finally reach out for help.
All the financial pressures we have experienced since my husband’s accident were coming to a head. We honestly didn’t know if we were going to make it until he started teaching. The instability ate away at me every day and made me anxious, despite my continuing to believe that God would supply the need at just the right moment (He has not disappointed!). I left a job I loved because of my increasing course load at school, but realized later that I had worked in an extremely unhealthy environment. I felt used and wrung out. My PTSD had been full blown for a while, but true to myself, I ignored what I was feeling and concentrated on getting through each day, focused on taking care of others. I didn’t want to feel the pain I knew was lurking. Leaving the job was the last straw. Without something that took up my time in the evenings, I had extra time to think….so dangerous for someone in a full blown PTSD episode. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t concentrate on my homework.
One night, I had a dream, or a vision or whatever it is you want to call it. I was very clearly told how to resolve the largest of the financial issues and that I needed to get help in sorting out the emotional turmoil. At that point, I knew I could no longer handle things on my own as I had attempted to for nearly 2.5 years. Once I started following the directives I was given in my vision, things started to fall in place.
What was once a dark and hopeless place became brighter. I literally could see more clearly, and there were colors I had forgotten because they had been hidden in the shadows. I began letting go of the anxiety and bitterness, and instead focused on forgiveness. All of the things that had happened to me, I couldn’t control. I simply had to understand what I could and accept what I couldn’t.
I still have a way to go. This part of my journey is not yet complete. I surrendered to the darkness for a short time. It makes the colorful light all that more precious. There are things happening now that are beyond my understanding or imagining. God’s really showing me His power, love and grace. I’m still anxious about the unknown, but I know He’s got me always in the palm of His hand.